Extreme Home Makeover Gundam Edition
by GuiltyRed
Summary: An Extreme Home Makeover of Heero's house, starting with the question of why, exactly, is Duo building Heero a new house...and ending with, well, the ending. Complete crack. Not to be taken seriously.
1. Chapter 1

**T Minus 37 Minutes and Counting**

"No, really, I've got it," Duo muttered from beneath the hood of the oversized barbeque grill. "Just a little adjustment and we'll be good to go."

Heero shook his head and reached for the phone. "I'm calling pizza."

"Come on, Heero! Just five more minutes!" Duo had been looking forward to this party for weeks, and now it looked like the great Gundam Pilot Reunion Barbeque would have to be scrapped in favor of Movie Night with Pizza. Again. Just like it had for the past three tries.

The first time, Quatre begged out. "Sick goat, sorry, guys."

The next, Wufei was nowhere to be found. Rumor had it he'd been arrested for verbally assaulting the staff at Starbucks.

Third week, Trowa: "Sick lion. Ate a bad goat. Sorry, guys."

And this week, Heero himself had put the kibosh on things. "No go. Grill's busted."

"What's wrong with it?" Duo had asked, ever hopeful.

"I was cleaning it in preparation for your weekly barbeque attempt and something fell off it. It was loud. Now it won't light."

"I'll be right over!"

That was two days ago. Duo had examined the grill, studied it from every angle, and searched Heero's home top to bottom for the little quadra-lingual owner's manual that he swore came standard with that model. Not finding it, Duo did what any self-respecting Gundam pilot would do.

He improvised.

"Done!" Duo wiped grime from his forehead, managing to smear it in a roguish streak across his face like some kind of drunken ninja. "I even filled the fuel tank for you." He stood up and began searching his pockets for a lighter.

"Fuel tank?" Heero scowled.

"Aha!" Duo exclaimed happily, holding aloft a half-empty cigarette lighter. It was his commemorative Rolling Stones lighter from their 10th Generation Clone Celebration Tour. Brandishing it like a holy relic, he flicked the catch and hollered, "Let's get this baby cookin'!"

"Duo, wait!" Heero yelled. "It's not –"

With a massive roar, the grill exploded like an overheated can of Spam.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Request for a Home Makeover**

The two pilots were protected by the enhanced grill hood Duo had added the previous day, but Heero's house…

"My house…" Heero levered himself out from under the massive grill hood and stared at the smoking crater that had once been a tidy split-level.

"Your house…" Duo blinked and coughed as a backwash of ash rolled over him.

Slowly Heero turned and glared at Duo. "What. Did. You. Do."

"I just tried to light it…"

"Mission accomplished," Heero snarled. "But. What. Did. You. DO!"

"I…fixed it?" Duo whimpered, flinching.

Heero glared. "That kind of grill doesn't come with a fuel tank, Duo. So for the last time, before I kill you, what did you do to my HOUSE?!??"

Duo's mouth hung open for several seconds. Then he whispered, "It doesn't? But…what was that tank right under it for?"

Heero shook with barely controlled fury. "That was weed killer!"

"Oh, man… I'm sorry, Heero. I filled it with fuel. I really thought –"

Heero spoke slowly now as though addressing Relena. "Duo, where did you get the fuel?"

"From your Gundam."

"I see. From Wing?"

"Yeah, that one."

"Vernier fuel?"

"Uh, yeah."

"You mixed vernier rocket fuel with weed killer and set it on fire?"

"…yeah."

Heero counted calmly to ten…then grabbed Duo around the throat and began throttling him. "You blew up my HOUSE!"

"Heero! Wait!" Duo gasped. "I can fix it!"

Heero tightened his grip. "There's nothing to fix, you idiot! It's a CRATER! We'd need the terraforming company to fix this!"

"Agh! Right! I'll get them!"

As Duo began to pass out, Heero paused in his murder and considered. Releasing his hold, he sat Duo on the hot concrete and squatted down in front of him. "You can get people to rebuild my house?"

Duo was willing to say anything at this point just so Heero wouldn't kill him just yet. "Yes! I can! I have contacts! Oh, please, Heero, let me fix this. I am so sorry, I didn't mean to trash your house!"

Heero almost went for the throat again, but settled for a last chastisement. "Duo, when you and Trowa were playing floor hockey with an ashtray and took out my entertainment center, that was trashing my house. This is a little worse." Then Heero stood and stated, "I'm leaving. You've got one week. When I get back, if I don't have a new house, I will kill you."

"But," Duo blurted, "why? Where will you go?"

Heero looked at the place where his garage had once been. Wing Zero sat in the empty spot, steaming slightly. "For one thing, I need to hide THAT. Besides, if I stay, I'll probably kill you before you have a chance to take two steps. As for where…" His eyes strayed skyward. Where _should_ a Gundam pilot go after he's saved the world twice and his house is being rebuilt?

"I'm going to Disneyworld."


	3. Chapter 3

**Day One**

"No no, please don't hang up!" Duo wailed. "This is serious!"

"If it's serious," Trowa stated flatly, "what are you doing at Starbucks?"

"What? Oh, caller ID, huh? Think you're Mr. Fancy Pants, Mr. Clown-man with your caller ID…"

"I'm hanging up."

"NO! Please, Trowa, this is really bad! We need to build Heero a new house, and he's only giving me a week to get it done."

"You have a problem with your pronouns. The numbers don't match."

"Huh?"

"We does not equal me."

"I have no idea what you just said…are you stoned or something?"

Trowa sighed. He glanced over at the bed, where Quatre lounged in wanton heat. Covering the mouthpiece of the phone with his hand, he whispered, "I'll be right back as soon as I ditch 02."

"Duo?" Quatre blurted. "Duo's on the phone? It's not about that cookout thing again, is it?"

"Duo?" Trowa asked into the phone. "Is this about the cookout?"

"That's what I'm trying to tell you! There's never gonna be a cookout!"

"Thank God, I was getting tired of finding excuses."

"Excuse me??"

"Oh, not you," Trowa backtracked neatly, "I was talking to Rashid."

"…Right. Look, Trowa, I need your help. You and Quatre and Wufei, and anyone who owes any of you any favors. I'll do anything – please don't let Heero kill me!"

Quatre slithered from the bed and crawled across the floor until he reached Trowa. Slowly he worked his way up Trowa's powerful legs until he reached his goal. Neatly slipping his fingers into Trowa's jeans, he snitched the other pilot's wallet and began rifling through it. "Hey, he's calling from Starbucks, right? You've got a latte card, let's go meet him!"

Trowa sighed again. One of these days, Quatre would pull that little slinky sexpot act when he wasn't distracted… Then again, could it possibly be that Quatre was that clueless? Trowa frowned. Nearly every fansite put the two of them together, and for the longest time he'd thought that Quatre really did have a crush on him. But the constant teasing, almost innocent in its playfulness, was becoming very hard to deal with. Reacting to an unacknowledged impulse, Trowa shouted, "I can't take this much longer! I have needs, damn it!"

Duo blinked at the phone. "Dude, if you're still talking to Rashid, I do NOT want to know about it!"

"Er, right." Trowa glanced around sheepishly, but Quatre seemed quite happily oblivious. "We'll be there. I can't speak for Wufei, though. You're on your own with that one."

As Trowa hung up the phone, Quatre approached him with a serious gleam in his eye. "Trowa?"

"Yes?" Trowa breathed, thinking for one blissful moment that Quatre was about to pounce on him at last.

"What did you just volunteer me for?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Day Two**

"Guys, thanks for coming!" Duo enthused at the assembled horde.

Rashid snorted. "Don't thank me. Master Quatre is holding my BMW hostage." Around him, various other Maguanacs nodded in peevish silence.

Quatre smiled blindingly at them. "Thank you so much for helping me again! You guys are the best!"

Rashid blushed a little. "Well, okay, just this once though!"

Duo blinked, shook his head. "Whatever. At least you came!"

"Speak for yourself," Trowa grumped, kicking a charred piece of concrete.

Wufei stood apart from the others, arms crossed over his chest. He studied the scene with dispassionate eyes, and dismissed the assembled volunteers with a sneer. "I want the bathroom."

"There isn't one," Duo snarled, "use the tree."

Wufei smirked darkly. "No, I mean, it's tradition. When building a house in seven days, the most capable worker picks one room and makes it his Secret Project. Since the rest of you seem happy to sit there with your thumbs up your butts, I'm calling dibs. Bathroom. Mine. Goodbye."

"There isn't even a frame up yet!" Duo yelled, but it was no good. Wufei had locked himself in the planning trailer.

"Duo," Quatre asked blandly, "do you have a blueprint?"

"Er, I've got this," Duo replied, unfolding a sheet of restaurant doodle paper and laying it across the former patio. Scrawled upon it in blue crayon was the outline of a house, complete with little stick-figure people and mobile suits.

Trowa leaned over and looked at the 'blueprint'. Then at Duo. Then at Quatre. "I think we may need to have Duo locked up for his own good."

"Hey! I'm tryin', here!" Duo hollered, hopping to his feet.

A firm narrow hand pushed him back down. "Cool it there, kid," Howard said, tilting his sunglasses up and peeking at Duo from underneath the frames. "I've got you covered. You need a house, right? We'll get this done with style!"

Behind Howard, a dozen geeks and assorted tech-nerds waved at the young pilot. Some of them looked vaguely familiar; others looked like they were on loan from Microsoft.

"Um, Howard? You guys ever built a house before?" Duo asked nervously.

"Not exactly, no," Howard replied, "but we've built mobile suits and spaceships! This should be a piece of cake! Now, what kind of output specs are we looking at?"

"It's a house, Howard," Duo stated, "no output at all. It doesn't move."

"Whoa, are you telling me you want a HOUSE?"

"Yes, a house! You know, a private dwelling with such things as a bathroom and a kitchen and indoor plumbing and a media room?" Duo felt himself begin to panic, forced it down. "A small building designed to be lived in!"

"Oh, a _house!_" Howard nodded sagely. "Right, we can do that."

Trowa pulled out his cellphone and hit a speed-dial key. "Sun City Insane Asylum?"

Quatre smacked the phone out of his hand. It bounced across the concrete twice before flipping open again and playing a particularly raunchy ringtone at full volume. "That's not the kind of help they need!" Turning toward the trusty Maguanacs, Quatre put two fingers in his mouth and let out a piercing whistle. "Yo! Men! Are you ready to frame this house?"

As one the Maguanacs stood at attention and bellowed, "Yes, Master Quatre!"

"Now," Quatre asked politely, "where does one go to buy a house frame?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Day Three**

"Okay, this is where we get to call Heero and show him how it's going!" Duo burbled, parking his butt on an overturned wheelbarrow and flipping open his state-of-the-art laptop computer. He set his complementary iced double-mochaccino on the ground and typed in the code that should, in theory, connect him with Heero's computer.

"Yeah?" Heero's voice came through the microphone in a monotone.

"Heero? It's me, Duo! How's it going?"

"Great. Just great. Did you know these jokers have a height restriction on the good rides? I've been here three days and the only thing they let me ride is the flying Dumbo at Kiddyland."

Duo flinched. Heero sounded downright ticked, and he really couldn't blame the guy. So what if he was a little short? He was still a Gundam pilot, damn it! "Bummer, man. Should have gone to Universal."

"Whatever. Why did you call?"

"I, er, wanted to give you an update!"

"Do I have a house yet?"

"Well, no, but the frame is up! And we've got your basement and garage poured!"

"Hn. I'm not living in the garage, Duo…"

"What? I think I'm losing your signal…" Duo switched the laptop off, then just stared at it for a few moments lest Heero try to call him back.

When it remained silent, he packed it away and reclaimed his caffeine. At least one thing was going right: the catering was top-notch.

His gaze wandered to the part of the house that would become Heero's new bathroom. Wufei had cordoned it off with opaque plastic sheeting and police tape. Even as Duo watched, Wufei staggered past, carrying something roughly the size of a Buster rifle over one shoulder. It was draped in a tarp, and Duo had no clue what it might be. He only knew that it was headed for the bathroom.

Meanwhile, a dedicated team worked on laying tile and hardwood flooring in the newly-framed rooms. Duo wasn't entirely sure this was the proper sequence for working on a house, but Howard had assured him that it would turn out just fine. Though the thought of drywall going in _after_ the flooring did leave Duo rather queasy. And when were the electrical things supposed to be done?

At least the bathroom plumbing was working. Duo heard the distinct sound of flushing, followed by a string of snarled Mandarin curses. Duo presumed they were curses, anyway, as water poured out from under the plastic sheeting and rushed across the newly-laid tiles.

Noin threw down her caulking gun and reached for her sabre. "That stupid LITTLE BOY! I've just wasted SIX HOURS!"

"No, Lu! He's not worth it!" Sally Po yelled, grappling with the irate woman. "It's all right, the tiles are already down and sealed, this is not a problem!"

Noin shrugged off the restraining grip and snarled, "I need some air!" Muttering to herself, Noin sloshed her way out of the flood zone and joined Duo in the erstwhile backyard. "I swear, that kid is going to drive me to drink!"

"Speaking of drink," Duo chirped, raising his paper cup, "can I get a refill?"

Noin twitched. She pulled herself up to her full height and straightened her regulation apron. Then she jabbed Duo in the chest with her forefinger as though skewering a weiner on a serving fork. "Look, punk, just because I work at Starbucks doesn't mean I have to wait on your sorry little ass! I'm volunteering to help fix your mess, and I even donated free eats for the crew – you think I _like_ explaining myself to corporate for stunts like this? I'm just lucky they wanted the publicity, or else I would have been laughed out of management!"

When Noin paused to take a breath, Duo made a run for it. He didn't look back.


	6. Chapter 6

**Day Four**

"I want to do a secret project too," Duo whined, watching Wufei haul yet another massive something-or-other into the tiny bathroom. He wondered briefly where everything was going – but decided it was better not to ask.

Quatre patted him on the shoulder. "You could, um, do the bedroom?"

"Bedroom? Really?" Duo gaped. He'd had a crush on Heero for ages, ever since reading a story on the internet about the two of them getting hot and heavy at a carwash. To be in charge of Heero's bedroom…

"It's, um, actually almost done," Quatre confessed. "But you can finish decorating it!"

"I'll take it! Thank you!" Duo bolted toward the bedroom.

"Hey, Duo!" Quatre called. "Why do you want to do a secret project, anyway?"

Duo wiped damp hair out of his eyes. "Well, for one thing, to get me inside out of this rain…"

"Oh, right." Quatre adjusted his goggles. "Well, I'm off. Wish me luck."

"Good luck, man." Duo didn't stay to watch his associate leave, for the storm chose that moment to dump on them like an overflowing celestial toilet.

Inside the house, most of the structural work was now complete. Though bizarre sounds came from the bathroom at irregular intervals, and sometimes a strange smell seemed to linger just outside the newly-installed door… Duo tried not to think about it. Instead, he nabbed two bottles of strong gourmet coffee and locked himself in the bedroom.

Meanwhile, Quatre and his trusty Maguanac corps headed out on their mission. There was much that needed to be done, and only a select few capable of doing it. As always, they faced the difficult task head-on. "They're counting on us," Quatre stated, taking his position at the head of the troop. He mounted his vehicle with solemn determination, Rashid at his back. _"Can we do this?"_ he cried out, arms upraised.

"Yes, Master Quatre!"

"Then let's DO THIS!" Quatre dropped his arms to point straight ahead, signalling his men to move out.

Rashid gripped the bar of the massive shopping cart and pushed. Quatre stood at its helm, an inspiring figure to his men and a source of much whispered commentary by the sales staff as the Maguanacs invaded Sears.

_They bought washers and rotors and car parts galore,_

_Toolkits, a workbench, two hacksaws and more._

_A jumper by Dickies (size small, double-X),_

_A high-power worklight with neck that can flex._

_They stuffed half the department right into their carts,_

_Then headed upstairs to the media arts!_

_Plasma TV and a stereo, too;_

_For Quatre's friend only the best stuff would do!_

_But when they returned all heady with glory –_

"_Um, where are the towels?" was the twist in their story…_

"Towels?" Quatre repeated as though he hadn't quite understood.

"Yes," Trowa murmured, easing the small blond away from the overly-protective Maguanacs. "Towels. Sheets. A stove? No? Quatre, what DID you guys buy?"

Quatre looked back at his men as they happily hauled their purchases into the bowels of the house frame. "We bought…stuff for Heero. Stuff he'd like. And we got Duo a foreman's bullhorn. Oh dear… Rashid seemed so confident!"

Wufei stumbled past, pausing to yank violently on the turgid garden hose he was hauling behind him. He blinked as the conversation made its way into his preoccupied brain. Then he snorted. "You should have sent a woman."

Trowa rolled his eyes. "I thought I did…"

As Wufei resumed his task, Quatre turned a teary gaze on Trowa. "I'm so sorry. Is there any way I can make up for my mistake?"

Trowa didn't miss a beat: he grabbed Quatre by the wrist and hauled him out to the planning trailer.


	7. Chapter 7

**Day Five**

The hyper young man blazed through the chaos for the fifth time that minute, his voice ringing through the bullhorn like the trumpet heralding the end of the world.

"WE'VE ONLY GOT TWO DAYS LEFT, PEOPLE! MY SECRET PROJECT HAS BEEN DONE SINCE YESTERDAY! WHAT ARE YOU STANDING AROUND FOR? TIME'S A-WASTING!"

Howard looked up from his workbench, removed the earplugs from his ears, and deftly tripped the low-flying menace that was Duo-Maxwell-with-a-bullhorn. "Easy, there, kid. We're ahead of schedule already. Don't go freaking out like that, you'll scare off the volunteers."

Duo put the bullhorn between himself and the radical designer. "BUT WHY IS EVERYONE JUST standing around not doing anything?" he finished lamely, the bullhorn vanishing from his grasp.

Towering over him and holding the bullhorn neatly out of reach, Zechs glared down at the self-proclaimed project head. "It's lunchtime, you twit." Instead of his usual mask, the blond wore a fashionable welder's mask, complete with earguards. In one hand he held the offending bullhorn. In the other, an arc welder. For one moment he clearly contemplated using one on the other, but that would just make Duo cry. Instead, he switched off the power to the welder, then took the bullhorn in both hands and twisted. The battery case popped open, spilling its cargo to the freshly-tilled landscaping. Zechs neatly snapped the case shut and handed the disemboweled bullhorn back to Duo. "I really suggest you get some help for your problem," he grumbled. "Just take a few minutes and repeat to yourself 'I am NOT Ty Pennington, I am Duo Maxwell, Gundam pilot'."

"Oh dear, not another one!" Relena's mournful voice wailed from behind her brother. "Milliardo, I just got used to you having TWO names, now you think you're Duo too?"

Zechs let out a sigh of long-suffering. "Princess, no. Duo thinks he's Ty Pennington."

"Who's Ty Pennington?"

The modified Zero-system within the welder's mask flashed helpful suggestions to the flawed mortal relying upon its genius to deliver him from such situations:

"Ty Pennington" ADHD poster child with massive popular following.

"Duo Maxwell" ADHD poster child with massive popular following.

"Milliardo" ("Zechs" ≠ ("Duo Maxwell" &/or "Ty Pennington"))

"Relena" Princess ± dingbat.

While Zechs tried to sort out all this crap, Duo made a grab for the batteries and scampered off like a caffeinated chihuahua.


	8. Chapter 8

**Day Six – Morning**

Lady Une watched from the sidelines, her hand gently stroking the small green bundle on the seat next to her. It was nearly time. She smiled to herself. "Yes, my pet, soon it will all be yours, to turn into a magnificent garden worthy of His Excellency…"

The green bundle shivered in anticipation.

Une carefully lifted the little tangle of vines and roots and carried it to the backyard, where the ground lay freshly tilled and waiting. A few tomato plants and a lackluster stand of daffodils decorated the otherwise barren landscape. Checking to see that she wasn't being watched, Lady Une knelt down and nestled the little bundle into the ready earth. "Now, my pet, it's up to you…" Rising quickly, she looked around once more, then casually strolled back to her helicopter.

Unnoticed, the wad of green chaos began to unwrap itself, sending roots deep into the ground. It encountered an obstacle in one direction: a very thick concrete wall, not unlike a bomb shelter. It recognized the construction style and knew it would take years to penetrate. No matter; it sent shoots in other directions and rooted itself firmly in the neighborhood for a distance of two miles. The Plant…was pleased.

Blithely unaware of the green menace just outside, the volunteers continued working merrily within. They were close enough to finishing the interior of the house they could almost taste the victory. Noin wiped sweat from her forehead and regarded the intricate kitchen tilework she'd only just completed. It looked fantastic. She turned to chat with Sally –

_**SKREEEEEEEECH!!!**_

Noin whirled around to see Wufei dragging something about six times his size, right across the freshly-laid tiles. He scuttled backward, hauling the thing with all the finesse of a terrier intent on plowing through linoleum with a can opener.

"What are you DOING?!?? My TILES!!!" Noin shrieked, launching herself at the stoic pilot.

Wufei paused to consider the heavy grooves cut into the flooring, then the wild-eyed woman bearing down on him. "You bought weak tiles."

"You little – BOY! LITTLE BOY!" Noin yelled, barely coherent.

"Hn. Figures you'd say that," Wufei deadpanned, returning to his task. The heavy whatever-it-was hitched across three rows of tiles before setting in and digging the rest up with a tooth-jarring squeal.

Sally grabbed Noin in a half-Nelson before the smaller woman could bodily launch herself at the Gundam pilot. "No, Lu! It's bad luck to murder someone in a new house! If you can just hold on to your feelings a little longer, we can do it together next Tuesday."

Duo stopped in the doorway, blinking. He tilted his head, puppy-like, and tried to parse the convo. It didn't help. Swallowing nervously, he said, "Sorry if I'm interrupting anything, ladies, but have either of you seen Quatre?"

Noin disentangled herself from Sally's embrace, realized what that must have looked and sounded like to the adolescent boy, and decided the idea wasn't half bad.

Sally, meanwhile, glanced around, frowning. "Now that you mention it, I haven't seen any of those guys since they came back from Sears."

"Damn it!" Duo growled. "I bet Trowa pissed them off with his 'shoulda bought TOWELS' crap. Heero's a Gundam pilot, what does he need TOWELS for?"

Sally neatly pinned Duo to the wall and set her wrist across his forehead. She checked his pulse, pried open his mouth, and looked down his throat. "Sorry about that, but you really seem to have gone into la-la land," she stated, releasing him with a grunt. "Duo, pilot or no pilot, a human being needs certain things in order to live comfortably. Good food, the means to store and then cook that food, an energy-efficient water heater, a jacuzzi, and towels for afterward."

Noin nodded in agreement. "Oh, and flavored lube."

Duo turned an odd shade of red before slipping out of the kitchen entirely and continuing his search for Quatre.


	9. Chapter 9

**Day Six – Afternoon**

"ANY OF YOU GUYS SEEN QUATRE?"

Zechs glared at Duo. "No. And if you do that again, I'm putting this water pipe up your ass."

"Heh heh, right," Duo laughed nervously, turning off the bullhorn. He wandered around, asking people very quietly if they'd seen Quatre or any of the Maguanacs recently.

"What about Trowa?" Howard asked, not looking up from his workbench.

"Oh, you're right!" He'd been so busy blaming Trowa for Quatre's disappearance he'd forgotten to wonder where clown-boy himself had got off to. "Do you know where HE is?" Duo asked, hopeful.

"Nope."

Duo sighed, made his way to the refreshments cart. They were almost out of the good stuff, the high-octane bottled latte, but there was no way he was about to bother Noin again. That woman was unstable. Nabbing an energy drink, he made his way to the back of the house.

As he sat despondently on his overturned wheel-barrow, his ears tuned in to an unidentified noise. It sounded like…Dwarves, toiling in an ancient mine far below the surface.

"Great, now I'm hearing things!" Duo shook his head, took a sip of his drink. Eyebrows raised in pleasant surprise, he took another sip. Then he read the label. "What the heck's 'guarana'?"

Before Duo could figure out the nature of the herb or the origin of the hammering sounds, a giant figure strode past, blotting out the sun. With the grace of a newer-model Godzilla, Gundam Altron placed itself right in the middle of the yard and knelt. It extended its dragon-claw-attack-thing, a weapon Duo had never quite understood himself, and grabbed the bathroom window frame. It tugged.

An ominous creaking came from the house.

"Whoa, hold it! Stop it!" Duo scrambled to his feet and fumbled for the bullhorn. "WUFEI! CEASE AND DESIST RIGHT NOW! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!??"

The pilot hatch opened and Wufei stepped out. Instead of answering, though, he climbed up to the Gundam's arm and walked along it until he reached the house. Then he unslung an acetylene torch from his belt and began cutting through the wall around the window.

Duo stared, unable to speak. Then he remembered the bullhorn again. "WUFEI, YOU ASSHOLE! KNOCK IT THE HELL OUT!"

Wufei glanced down at him. "Actually, I'm going to pull it out. Excuse me." He sprinted back to the cockpit without another word.

Altron grabbed the window again, and this time pulled the bathroom wall clean off.

"This can't be happening," Duo murmured, chugging the rest of his energy drink for support.

Then Altron pivoted, raised its other arm. In the left-hand dragon's jaws, a massive something-or-other draped in a tarp awaited delivery – through the wall and directly into the bathroom. As soon as its job was done, it waited patiently while Wufei jogged back down the arm and helped direct the section of wall back into place. Before it was completely set, Wufei darted around it and effectively sealed himself into the bathroom. The occasional spark shot through the seam as he welded the wall shut.

Duo looked around to see if anyone else had witnessed this, this, this utter breach of makeover protocol!

Howard, Sally, Noin, Zechs, Relena, two neighbor kids, five cops, and a mime stared open-mouthed at the Gundam.

Then one of the cops spoke. "I gotta get me one-a those!"

The only person not in shock from the preceding was Pagan, who hummed merrily to himself within the sanctity of Miss Relena's pink cadillac. He had the radio on, and the air conditioner, and was generally enjoying the fact that he didn't have to do anything other than guard the car and be ready to get Relena out of here should the work become too messy.

He didn't notice the questing green tendrils checking the door handles.

He definitely didn't notice the vine making its way up the car's tailpipe, or drilling up through the frame into the cab.

But when it wrapped around his ankle, he had a moment of total disbelief before a cool, slender vine slithered up his pants leg and wrapped around something else entirely. He wondered briefly if he had picked the wrong day to go commando, but then the vine seemed to sprout several smaller, ticklingly fresh tendrils, and Pagan stopped thinking logically.

The Plant needed seed to grow, and by lucky chance had found a donor in the first try. And unlike so many others before, this donor seemed all too happy to comply. The Plant treated him gently, coaxing him to give up his seed rather than demanding it. This human seemed a little on the wilting side, but the Plant didn't need much. It tugged and tickled, and noted the vibrations that meant the human was making happy noises. This was a good thing. Happy noises usually indicated that the Plant could make a new friend, someone to care for it between sproutings. This one seemed a little less weird than that last one had been; the Plant had no idea what She had been talking about, but Her tone had given it the right willies.

Pagan moaned softly, recalling a very naughty interlude involving two strippers and a jar of marshmallow crème, and he surrendered his load to the Plant.

As the vine withdrew, refreshed with its addition of human genetic material, it paused. It decided to use some of its energy to ensure a stable future: it pushed one of its nubs into a tiny bud, and then sprouted it into a lovely ivory flower resembling a small magnolia blossom. With one tendril it plucked itself, then fastened the flower to Pagan's lapel before slipping out of the car and back into the secretive Earth.

Pagan, meanwhile, sighed and breathed in the scent of the Martian Kudzu Vine blossom, deciding it was quite possibly the most wonderful thing in the world. When he got home, he'd definitely put it in a vase…


	10. Chapter 10

**Day Six – Evening**

As night fell with a dull thud, Howard wandered the premises. "First we lose the little blond kid, and those big guys, and now the loudmouth's gone. Oh, right, and that guy with the hair's missing too. What's going on here?"

"Problem, Howard?" Zechs leaned casually against the exterior bathroom wall, his welder's helmet amplifying the strange noises coming from inside. If he didn't know it was supposed to be a small bathroom in there, he'd think Wufei was building some kind of trans-dimensional device or something.

"Nah, not really. I expect he'll turn up." Howard pulled a mildly mangled cigarette from his pocket, lit it, joined Zechs in his casual leaning. "Sad, though. I thought he'd really want what I've got to give him tonight!"

Zechs glanced sidelong at the scrawny engineer. "Oh, really? Howard, I had no idea!"

"Yeah," Howard sighed, letting out a cloud of pungent smoke. "Damn shame, really."

Zechs coughed. "I'm sure he'll forgive you…"

"I just don't want to hold onto it anymore, all by myself." Howard looked up at the taller man, his expression intense. "Zechs, would you –"

"Oooh, hold on there, man… You know I like you, right? But not like that."

"What are you talking about, Stretch?" Howard reached into his pocket and brought out a key ring. "I wanted to tell Duo that the house is done."

"You're kidding!" Zechs grabbed the keys and stared as though they might vanish into Howard's dubious smoke cloud.

"Not one bit, my good man. The house is yours. I'm gonna go get some frickin' sleep."

Zechs smiled to himself. True, it was kind of a shame that Duo wasn't around at the moment, but then, he trusted himself a little bit more as far as the final inspection went. Duo was just a little too excitable. And this project deserved a little dignity.

Setting his welder's mask on night-vision mode, he strode around the house and entered through the front door, pausing to take in the total lack of detail night-vision afforded him. Annoyed, he switched on a light.

The entryway was a thing of beauty. The tiles showed an avant garde patchwork quality that should charm the pants off of Heero. Zechs smirked at the thought that this was precisely what Duo had in mind. He'd have to check out the bedroom, see what mischief the braided wonder had been up to. In fact, he'd wager a bet that that's where the kid had scampered off to – hopefully not to do anything perverted.

Zechs strode through the house, surveying the work. Aside from that weird hammering noise and the distant murmur of running water, all was quiet. He paused to admire the greenery growing around the kitchen window, noting with a princely scowl that it seemed to have gotten in around the loose-fitting window frame. He'd have to chew someone's ass over that –

**Zero System alert: situation CRITICAL. Please stand by.**

What the –? Zechs frowned and tapped the side of his welder's helmet. The interior of the mask had taken on an oddly shadowed greenish hue, while the room beyond seemed to have tilted clockwise about 20°. Zechs staggered without even bothering to walk first and stood spraddle-legged in the middle of the kitchen. He'd experienced weird shit with Zero before, but this was pushing it.

**Incoming data. Brace yourself.**

The short hallway between the kitchen and the living room seemed to lengthen and tilt further, making Zechs feel as though he either had fallen into a nightmare or had one hell of a hangover. The Zero System poured data into his brain, further enhancing that unreal feeling.

Then Zechs assimilated the data. What he learned chilled him to the core.

**_smutfic in which Treize gets tentacle-porked by a plant_**

The smutfic copied itself directly to Zechs' brain via the satellite internet Zero System modem. Shock, horror, and a weird kind of excitement shot through his body, leaving him momentarily unable to move. "God, dear God!" he heard himself whisper, though he couldn't stop reading. There was a strange fascination, a sort of car-crash hypnotic quality that Zechs was powerless to resist.

A ghostly image of Treize drifted onto the viewscreen. The man was naked and bound shibari-style with writhing vines. He gazed imploringly at Zechs and warned, "Don't let them do to you what they did to me!" Then he seemed to gasp and lean forward as a particularly thick vine –

"Whoa!" Zechs whispered. "I need to remember that website…"

Just as Zechs decided the show wasn't all that bad, Zero cut in with another data-stream.

**_smutfic in which Zechs gets tentacle-porked by an alien_**

Again the story sprang fully loaded into his brain, and again he found it impossible to look away. This time, however, dread and a certain type of foreboding accompanied all the other reactions, leaving him trembling in his boots. "That thing is just…so FORCEFUL!" he breathed, fogging up the faceplate of his welder's mask.

**Number of people admitting to a fetish for tentacle-porkings: 442** **Recommend immediate withdrawal from the premises. **We now return to our regularly scheduled programming.  
Reality reasserted itself with a snap. "Right then!" The Lightning Count considered his options for a moment, reexamined the data…and bolted.

Unfortunately, he failed to take into account the new support post in the middle of the living room. With all the momentum of the damned he plowed into it, breaking his mask and knocking himself silly.

From the kitchen, strong green tentacles hurried to inspect their prize while it was still stunned. The Plant was pleased. This one was younger than the other had been: warm, firm, and apparently in full silk – perfect for propagating! Tendrils played with the human's long fine hair, tugging to make sure it wasn't loose: that would indicate it was past budding season for sure. But no, the hair was quite sturdy.

Zechs moaned as someone fondled his hair a little roughly before they rolled him over onto his stomach. "Mmm, Treize, but it's the middle of a banquet!" he murmured happily, oblivious to the evil swaying just above his now-bared buttocks.

The Plant wasn't quite sure which way this should go, whether this breeding specimen was a receptacle or a donor. It didn't matter, as the Plant was fully prepared to make the most of things either way. One thick vine probed between the slack muscles at the backside while a cluster of daintier vinelets wriggled underneath. Finding the human's stamen, the Plant shrugged slightly. It had hoped this one was a receiver, but then finding two donors in one day could be counted as a triumph for its agenda. DNA gained did count toward intelligence points, after all. It wrapped the smaller vines around the thickening member and began to withdraw its own male part from the unconscious human.

"No, don't go," Zechs moaned, still out cold. "Treize, you're such a tease, damn it!"

The Plant hesitated. It had never encountered a situation quite like this before. Curious, it pushed its seed-bearing vine into the human's soft core.

"Mmmmm! Oh, yeah…"

Puzzled, the Plant pulled back…then thrust forward again.

"Oh YEAH!"

The human's stamen felt rigid in the Plant's tendrils. The Plant gave a squeeze as it thrust again.  
With a shout, Zechs came, though in his concussion-ridden dream it wasn't a Martian Kudzu Vine but Treize, taking him forcefully on top of a buffet table at the Lake Victoria Academy Student Awards Banquet.

Small leaves curled around the spattered humanseed and began to assimilate it. This was the fastest response it had gotten from a donor in quite some time! The Plant calmly filed that information away. Maybe it could keep this one handy for a few more growing seasons…

A loud crashing caught its attention. Silhouetted in the open space that had recently been an exterior wall, a power-loader rotated its grappling claws in a menacing manner.

"Get away from him, you BITCH!" From within the small rental mobile suit, Lucrezia Noin glared death at the Plant. Towering over it and Zechs, she swung a mechanized karate chop at the vines on the floor, severing not only the vines but also the new hardwood flooring and the cement foundation beneath it.


	11. Chapter 11

**Day Seven – Pre-dawn**

"Wow, what a dream!" Zechs sat up on the narrow bed and raised his hand to his head, noting with mild surprise that he no longer seemed to be wearing a mask. "Whoa – déjà vu…" He stood a little stiffly, then realized he hadn't been on a bed but had apparently been sleeping stretched out across several bags of mulch.

Noin hurried to his side. "Don't, Zechs! Just stay down. You're going to be all right."

"What are you talking about?" Concerned, Zechs gripped her firmly and shook. "Don't tell me you've been drinking too much coffee and hallucinating again!"

"You don't have to pretend with me," Noin whispered. "I know, it's okay. You're going to be just fine."

"…Right. Noin, what's going on here?"

"You mean you don't remember?"

"Remember what?"

"Excuse me," Relena said with a curtsey before grabbing Noin by the scruff of her neck. "We need to talk." She frog-marched the taller woman away, leaving Zechs alone with his own confusion.  
What had happened last night? Noin seemed quite upset, and apparently she wasn't the only one. Zechs struggled to remember.

As he paced around the yard, an unexpected sensation made itself known to him. Not unfamiliar, just unexpected in this context. His ass hurt. Not badly, but there was a distinct and singular soreness that made him oddly reminiscent of bygone days. Carefree days, with the other boys at the Academy. Or those kinky sleepovers with Treize…

A vague memory surfaced, of Treize in green bondage ropes.

Zechs frowned. The last thing he really remembered about the previous night was standing outside, listening to the odd sounds coming through the bathroom wall.

And Howard.

Howard, with his funny cigarette and his come-hither dialogue.

Zechs paled. "No wonder Noin freaked! My god, I've lost all sense of reason!"

Just then Howard walked by, flashing a crooked grin as he passed.

He wasn't walking as though his ass were sore.

Zechs wandered across the yard to a comfortable looking tussock. He sat down quite gingerly. The grass seemed to grow cushier to accommodate him. What should he do? Should he talk to Howard, admit that he didn't remember a thing? Should he take advantage of his memory block and just ignore it? Should he ask Noin?

"No, I definitely don't want to hear what she might tell me," he grumbled to himself. Zechs leaned back against the mossy fence and sighed. This was almost as comfortable as a lounge chair…  
Something vaguely conical lay on the ground nearby, underneath what seemed to be a large green hammock. Zechs reluctantly vacated his lounger and checked it out.

"Duo's bullhorn…what's it doing way over here? And where is that weird music coming from?"

Zechs tilted his head, trying to hear better. Sure enough, there seemed to be music somewhere nearby, muffled but distinct. Not trusting his own reactions at the moment, he set off in search of someone to tell this to.

As he strode around the house, he noted that half the kitchen seemed to be missing. He frowned, not understanding why this should concern him so.

In the front yard, Relena was addressing the troops. "Okay, listen, everybody," Relena hollered. "We need to – oh, piddle! No one's listening to me!"

"Try this, Princess." Zechs handed her Duo's bullhorn.

"Oh, thank you – THANK YOU! NOW, EVERYBODY, LISTEN UP!"

Zechs grabbed the bullhorn back. "Not that loud! I think it might have worked, though."

The volunteers stood doubled over, clutching at their ears.

"I'm so sorry," Relena said fairly loudly even without the mechanical help. "Now, everybody – Heero will be home in only a few hours, and this place is a mess!"

"Princess, isn't that a bit of an understatement?" Zechs stage-whispered.

Relena ignored him, choosing instead to pontificate grandly. She gestured at the house, spoke encouraging words, and generally strove to raise morale, totally oblivious to the fact that everyone within a ten-yard radius was temporarily but thoroughly deaf.

Zechs scanned the crowd, then tried again, more slowly this time. No, he hadn't been mistaken: not only were Trowa, Quatre, the Maguanacs, and Duo missing, now there was no sign of Wufei either. Zechs spotted Noin hiding out at the back of the assembled workers. Abandoning his gesticulating sister, Zechs strode around the throng toward his female best friend and groupie.

"Damn, I think that thing blew out my eardrum!" Noin snarled, shaking her head as if to knock something back into place.

"How's the work going?" Zechs asked casually.

"Well, it's going," Noin replied, seeming a bit embarrassed for some reason. "Shouldn't you be resting?"

"Why?"

Noin blushed. "No reason." She looked away, admiring what was left of the front half of the house. "So, you're really, you know…"

"…Tired? I think that speaks for everyone here, Noin."

"No, I mean, _you_ know."

"Know what?"

"That I don't have a chance in hell!" Noin blurted, then turned an abrupt shade of crimson.  
Zechs gaped at her. "Noin, I'm not the one who started it. Frankly, I'm surprised that you'd even suspect such a thing!"

Noin stared at him. "You mean you're not –?"

"Oh, come here, you!" Zechs gathered her into his arms for a brotherly hug. "I actually put money on you and Sally getting an apartment and a cat together."

"WHAT??" Noin bristled, but Zechs had a pretty good grip on her, which meant her nose was right under his armpit.

Zechs laughed brightly. "I might not make book on my best friend, but I'm not above cashing in on a sure thing. You. Sally. Apartment. Cat. $500 at 12-to-1. I figure I'm about set for life now. Not like I wasn't before…"

As Noin's temper hit the red mark, Sally intervened. "Mind if I borrow her for a while?"

"Knock yourself out. She's all yours!"


	12. Chapter 12

**Day Seven – a little later…**

Noin stumbled after Sally, still trying to figure out just what the heck Zechs had been talking about when she thought that he knew that _she_ knew that _he_ was –

"You're not even listening to me, are you?" Sally shook her head, wild sausage-curls bouncing. "They've got the structure patched back together, but I can't figure out what to do about the, you know."

"He's _gay_!" Noin shouted. "There's nothing TO do about it!"

As the echoes died down, Noin pulled her apron up over her head and slunk toward the darkest corner of the back yard.

Sally followed, trying very hard not to laugh. "Hon, if you're just now getting a clue…" She leaned against one of the trees supporting the spiffy new hammock. "I'm trying to figure out what to do about the Plant."

Noin stiffened. Her eyes flashed with anger. "Burn it out!"

"Ooh, no, can't do that," Sally stated with a grimace. "It'd take out half the neighborhood. Martian Kudzu is only flammable at root level." Sally paused then, scowling. "Hey, Lu? Do you hear music?"

Noin frowned, concentrating. "Why, yes! Yes I do!"

The two women began casting about for the source of the sound. They quickly converged on the hammock. It was a nice-sized woven green affair, and it wrapped shut around the person using it almost like a floating sleeping bag.

From inside came the music.

"My God, Lu!" Sally gasped. "It's a high-pod!"

Noin went for her sabre.

A firm but gentle hand restrained her. "If I may be of assistance?"

Noin stared at Pagan, who smiled down at her. The flower in his lapel seemed to wink flirtateously.

Pagan tapped at the hammockpod, then leaned in close and began talking to it.

The pod seemed to unzip along the top, revealing a peacefully sleeping Duo Maxwell. His MP3 player lay neatly atop his belly. Music leaked around his headphones.

Noin grabbed the side of the hammock and unceremoniously dumped Duo to the ground.

"Hey! I found this Gundam fair and square!" Duo yelled, not quite awake. A few strands of Plant clung to his braid possessively.

Meanwhile, several vines and tendrils rose toward Noin like the headgear of a ticked-off medusa.

Pagan, born diplomat that he is, intervened. "Please, Miss Noin. Move away from the Plant." He offered Duo a hand up. "Master Maxwell, are you all right?"

"I was sleeping, until this manic Amazon attacked me!"

"Everyone is fine, then? Good, good." Pagan nodded to himself. He did so enjoy a happy ending.

"Pagan," Sally called from where she now had Noin pinned in a wrestling hold, "what are we going to do about that Plant?"

Pagan smiled and fondled his boutonniere. "Leave that to me."


	13. Chapter 13

**The Reveal, or: Gundam Pilot, MOVE THAT GUNDAM!**

Heero sighed and stared out the truck window. Behind him in the cargo hold lay Wing, all funned out from their stay at Disney. Unlike Heero, Wing hadn't been too short to ride the good rides…

As the truck turned onto his street, Heero frowned. There seemed to be an awful lot of commotion near his house. That couldn't be a good sign, could it? He reached for his cell phone.

"This is Duo. I'm not here right now, but if you'll leave a message I'll call you back whenever I figure out where I am."

Heero hung up.

The truck pulled in across the street from Heero's home, as the road directly in front was blocked off by two ancient Volkswagen mini-buses and the Gundam Altron. Heero gave the driver a handsome tip to stay the hell put, then jumped down from the cab and approached the chaos.

Relena greeted him with a flying tackle, knocking his mouse-ear hat off. "HEEEEEEEROOO! Are you going to kill me now?"

"I might. Do I have a house?"

"You do!" Relena smiled at him, though she seemed a little worried around the edges. "Or, rather, you mostly do…"

Heero shoved her off so that she landed flat on her butt on the asphalt.

Duo trotted over, stopping well beyond easy reach. "Heero, good to see ya, buddy!"

"Hn. Did you fix my house?"

"We have to do this right," Duo stated. He reached for his bullhorn.

Everybody but Heero put their hands over their ears.

"BUS DRIVER: MOVE THAT BUS!"

With a cough and a rumble, the VW hippie-haulers jolted to life and trundled down the road. Altron, however, just stood there, as he was not, technically, invited to move.

Heero stared. He tried not to cry. He resisted the urge to grab Duo…and throttle the holy living shit out of him.

The 'house', if one could call it that, looked likely to bring the wrath of the housing association down on him faster than an unmuzzled Rottweiler. It seemed slightly bent, in the leftward direction, and slightly downward at the same time, as though it had been broken in half and repaired with duct tape.

The Plant sensed Master's anger and knew that this would never work out if it didn't do something quick.

Vines erupted from the ground in front of Heero, rising high and weaving together to create a stunning arbor. Beyond that, the yard sprouted several impromptu topiaries reminiscent of a Tim Burton movie. The Plant almost hummed to itself, hoping against hope that this human would not try to kill it. It still felt bad about the damage done to the human's hive in the aftermath of that one incident, but it really hadn't thought the female would get so damn possessive…

"Hn. Martian Kudzu Vine," Heero snorted. "That's one way to ensure my property value plummets. Nice work, Duo."

The Plant retrieved Master's cute mouse hat and put it back on his head.

Heero sighed. "Well, whoever tamed it did a nice job, anyway. Let me see the house."


	14. Chapter 14

**The Walkthrough**

Duo swallowed nervously. If Heero hated the house, his own life was forfeit. That was the agreement, and when Heero said he'd kill you, he always followed through.

Duo paused, mulling that over again. He shook his head and sprinted toward the door.

Heero stood just inside, staring. The entryway tiles seemed to have been done in three different styles, though the effect was oddly charming. He turned to the left, briefly surveyed the jungle-motif kitchen and breakfast nook before dismissing it as adequate.

Through the house he prowled, noting the clear amount of effort that had gone into the work. He couldn't maintain his anger in the face of so much care. Besides, every time he passed something shiny he caught his reflection, and Heero-in-mouse-ears was not a very angry image.

One door caught his attention. It seemed much more high-tech than the rest of the house, and beside it on the wall was a palm-print security lock. As Duo trotted up, Heero asked him about it.

"That? Oh, that's the bathroom," Duo said brightly.

"Bathroom?" Heero put his hand to the security panel.

The door slid open with a soft pneumatic hiss.

As Heero stepped across the threshhold, a hyacinth macaw flew by, nearly knocking the mouse-ears off again. The bird landed in a glistening palm tree beside a musically-tuned waterfall.

Heero backed up and shut the door. He looked around, then opened the door again.

Bird calls and the murmur of falling water wafted out.

Heero took the line grapple off his belt and bolted the business end to the door frame. He turned to Duo. "If this line goes slack, send backup." Then he headed into his bathroom once more.

At the foot of the waterfall, a large koi pond glimmered in the synthetic sunlight. Brightly colored fish swam lazily, occasionally coming up to nuzzle the bar that released a pre-measured helping of food.

Overhead, tropical birds twittered and fluttered from tree to tree.

Beyond the waterfall and pond, a built-in jacuzzi bubbled and steamed. Within easy reach sat a refrigerator and what looked to be a snack bar.

The jungle seemed to go on and on; Heero didn't have enough line to locate the walls, so he turned back. He did find a Zen rock garden complete with sand rakes and a stereo system currently programmed to play new age muzak.

Reaching the entrance again, Heero stared at Duo. "Did you build this?"

"No, that was Wufei's secret project," Duo replied.

"That's some secret project," Heero murmured. "I hope he has a map."

"I, er, did a secret project too," Duo stammered. He fidgeted with the end of his braid.

"If it's anything like this, I owe you more than a thank you," Heero stated, still a little unnerved by the fourth-dimensional geometry of his new-and-improved bathroom. It occurred to him that he hadn't noticed a toilet or a shower…unless that's what the pond and the waterfall were for…

"It's your bedroom," Duo blurted, then hurried off to show him. "Heero, when you're not out saving humanity or threatening people, you need a sanctuary to return home to."

"I thought that was the bathroom."

"No, that's Wufei's idea of a sanctuary. If he wants to chill out in the john, power to him. What I've got for you behind this door is, er, well…" Duo fumbled to a halt. Blushing, he pushed the door open. "Welcome home, Heero."

Heero stepped into the master bedroom. Until then, he'd been seriously contemplating how to dispatch Duo, but now… The décor was masculine and understated, almost as if someone other than Duo had been responsible for it. Very classy, and very much appreciated.

And there, on the bed: a cookie on the pillow and two magazines on the bedspread.

Duo frowned; he hadn't put those there…

Heero brushed a few stray leaves off the books and lifted the cover of the first one. He smiled in spite of himself. Though not a big fan of doujinshi, he did know this one was quite rare, and quite kinky. Sure enough, there was that picture of Duo he'd been using as his computer wallpaper for months now.

"Heero, you're…you're smiling!" Duo blurted, still wondering how the books and the cookie had gotten there.

Outside the window, the Plant gave itself a high five.

Across town, Dorothy searched through her library one more time, just knowing she had to have put those doujinshi down somewhere…

"Duo, you did all this for me?" Heero asked, the smile still tugging the corners of his mouth. He took his mouse-ears off and set them on the bedpost.

"Yeah, all for you, Heero." Duo stuffed his hands in his pockets and blushed. He'd just realized the two of them were alone together, in the master bedroom.

Heero seemed to have noticed this too. He dropped the doujinshi on the bed and approached Duo in what can only be described as a sexy slink.

Heero reached out for Duo…

…and the floor tilted beneath them, sending the two tumbling into each other's arms.


	15. Chapter 15

**The Game Room**

"What the hell was that?"

Heero struggled to get his bearings. The room – and by proxy the entire house – now stood at a 15° angle relative to the street. He braced his feet and staggered back toward the front door, only to find it half-buried in the begonias. Never one to accept defeat on the first try, Heero turned and headed for the kitchen.

Duo, meanwhile, followed a very helpful handrail around the back perimeter of the house and met up with Heero at the kitchen. He briefly wondered how that handrail had gotten there; he hadn't ordered one, and it didn't really go with the interior décor, being green and squashy and all. But what the hell, it got him through the tilted funhouse without landing on his ass, so for that Duo was properly grateful.

By now Heero had gotten the sliding door open and made a leap for the patio. He hit and rolled, and would have come up with gun in hand if he'd been armed. As it was, he came up brandishing a "Pirates of the Caribbean" pamphlet.

Duo clambered down the viney green netting that seemed to be there for the express purpose of clambering down from the kitchen window to the lush greenery below. He landed next to Heero. And stared. First at Heero. Then at the house.

In the open area where a foundation should have been lay a ramp: a wide, epoxy-finished, cement ramp. The sort one might find inside a jet hangar. And up the ramp swarmed a horde of workmen. The Maguanacs surrounded Heero and Duo, lifted them high upon their shoulders, and carried them back down the ramp, cheering and congratulating themselves all the while.

"Every young man needs a place to unwind, to connect with his inner spirituality," Rashid stated firmly. "Knowing your temperament, and the general lack of skill of those good folks working aboveground, we decided to take care of the important stuff for them. Welcome, young sir, to your game room!"

They set Heero down, then as an afterthought set Duo next to him. The two young pilots stood there, mouths hanging open at the immensity of what they saw. Then Rashid stepped aside, allowing them to experience the most tricked-out rec room in the history of home improvement.

Fantastically huge plasma screen TVs – three of them! A variety of video game systems; computers with multi-media packages and high-speed internet; exercise equipment the envy of OZ Tactical – possibly even scavenged from such; a fully-functional kitchen that put the one upstairs to utter shame: _I could SO live down here_, Heero thought, and a slightly demented grin spread across his astonished countenance.

"And," Ahmed pointed out with a smirk, "it's kudzu-proof."

"I'll take it!" Heero blurted, aiming for an overstuffed sofa and the plethora of remote controls arrayed on one cushion.

"But wait!" Rashid cried, his voice echoing off the walls and making even Duo cringe. "There's one last thing to show you."


	16. Chapter 16

**The Garage**

"Ah, crap! I'm tired, man! Can't it wait?"

"No, it can't." Rashid picked Heero up by the scruff of his neck and hauled him through the bunker to a sizeable airlock. "Through there. Go. Now."

"Right, right, stop shoving!" Heero opened the door to the airlock and stepped inside. The far door would only open after the first one was secure – an odd affectation for an earthbound housing portal, but then he remembered the bathroom.

Heero opened the door.

This was not a typical suburban garage. It stood high enough to accommodate the largest mobile suit, and there were banks upon banks of tools and widgets for every conceivable project. Even as Heero stared, a silent elevator brought Altron and Wing down and placed them neatly in two of the six recharging docks.

Overcome with gratitude and that weird feeling of not being totally awake, Heero stumbled to the elevator and rode it to the ground floor. The house had tilted back sometime during his tour of the game room, and now, with the elevator floor in place, he stood in his new, very normal-seeming garage. They'd even gotten him a motorcycle – a Harley Davidson Special Edition!

A hand on his shoulder made him turn slightly, to see a smiling Duo at his side. "Welcome home, buddy. Welcome home."

"But wait!" Rashid cried, his voice echoing even more painfully in the confines of the normal-seeming garage. "Where is the young master?"

"And where's Wufei?" Duo muttered, looking around as though expecting to find him stuffed in a corner.

A vine groped its way up Duo's leg, tapped him on the back of the head, then pointed at a smaller monitor screen tucked between the wall cabinets. Duo scowled, cued the monitor.

"What the – is this a porn station?" Heero growled, glaring at Duo.

"It's…your bathroom!" Duo stammered.

Wufei lounged in the hot tub, sipping an iced tea. Two cockatoos and some kind of monkey helped themselves to the snack bar.

Duo switched the screen off. "Well, one mystery solved."

The Plant considered its current situation. The Master seemed cool with things, and the strange human with the braided vine on his head seemed happy…but it had that nagging feeling that it was forgetting something.

Then it remembered: it's dealing with humans, here. And humans have their own kind of needs.

Gently, so as not to startle, the Plant sent another runner vine behind the Master. It pressed against the small of his back, while simultaneously tugging the vine-headed boy until the two humans collided with a soft grunt. Recognizing the human need for privacy, the Plant nudged the switch that would close the garage door, then discretely left the two to their own devices.

"Great. We're locked in the garage."

"Well…at least there's lube…"


	17. Chapter 17

**Epilogue**

The sun has set on Heero's new and improved home, and in ones and twos (or dozens, in the case of the Maguanacs) the volunteers have said their goodbyes.

Midnight of the seventh day, and all is calm.

Across the street, the door of the planning trailer swings open.

Quatre Raberba Winner struts down the metal steps, takes a pack of cigarettes from his vest pocket, neatly shakes one out, and lights it with the suave precision of a movie star. He leans casually against the trailer and gazes at the star-filled sky above. He smiles. Life is good.

A few minutes later, the planning trailer door opens again, this time pushed awkwardly from within and bouncing off the chassis.

Trowa staggers out, nearly falling off the stairs and clinging to the door frame for support. His clothes are rumpled beyond repair, his hair sticks out in every direction, and he hasn't shaved in four days.

Life…is good. 


End file.
